When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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