Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize