just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
