wake up i wanna do it froggy style
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
