The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
