I could make wine with my vomit
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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