So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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