I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize