I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
