I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
