The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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