i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
