When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
