Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
