We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Someone came in the potted fern
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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