Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
