I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
