Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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