we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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