My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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