so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
