please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
