wat bout pragnant strippers??
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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