you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
