Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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