In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
