She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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