The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
