Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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