All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize