I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
