I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
