This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
