Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
