dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
