why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
