after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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