One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
