wakey wakey hands off snakey
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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