he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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