And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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