It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
