Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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