I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
