Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
