well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
