a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
pray to the hookup gods
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Randomize
