hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
