My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
