Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
