He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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