I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
