I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
