I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
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