i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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