Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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