don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
