you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
