Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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