you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
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