We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
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