Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
