I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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