so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Let's get the cat blown out
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
