I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
