dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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