Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize