I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Randomize
