Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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