My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
