you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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